I moved out 🙂
here’s my new blog:
I moved out 🙂
It’s a good thing that I don’t need to defend myself whenever my friends and I are teasing each other about being single. I like the fact that they know me as an anhedonic guy whose heart is as hollow as his piggy bank.
I’m not usually the type of guy who would send quotes of love and share feelings. Except of course in my blog where I can pour the remaining human part in me (if that could be considered humane)
Don’t get me wrong, I usually am the friend who’d tease this friend to that friend, like a freakin’ match maker (always by accident).
I’ve had some people confessed their feelings for me but the tragedy about my insane discretion of feelings is that I tend to pull away. In my defense, I just don’t want them to get hurt if they expect me to reciprocate the emotions.
I’m not really that heartless, I’ve experienced rejection many times compared to the former situation.
I know the feeling of being rejected, left behind and snubbed by the person whom I made center of my life, career and sanity ( whew! Ang lalim! May pinaghuhugutan!)
Perhaps that’s what made me think that love is irrational.
Infatuation, crush, idol… these terms are sooo different from love. Yet most commonly considered interchangeable labels. It’s really hard to distinguish between the four but it should always be the first thing to be thought about.
“I am infatuated by you” is different from “ I love you” yet for some, they’re just the same. ( guilty)
My friends know about my blog and they do respect the contents of it. They know about Anon and they feel for me.
My reluctance for a relationship has everything to do with the past rejections and present pressure.
This made my idea of stating feelings somewhat laborious.
A confession of love is an idea of self incrimination to a homicide of one’s personal future. A thought misconceived in the state of heightened endorphins and serotonin. It is a chemical reaction where the body and the mind meets at a considerable length of syllables that urges the pleasure of verbal disaster and energy wasting.
ODK! Such bitterness! Hahaha
It’s funny how I could sound mushy and all that soft in my writings while I don’t even want to talk about it in person, like this is my reliever, my outlet. Perhaps there’s this comfort of sharing what I feel with people who’ll base their judgments and advices on the fragments and clauses I type on my keyboard.
While that may sound ill-phrased, I only have one topic to avoid in real life… and that is my relationship or lack there of.
It is a tedious bond of voluminous considerations, adjustments and selflessness which I lack or most likely have in shortage. I can comprehend, I can share, I can give and I can acknowledge the need for expression but everything about relationship could also be found in real, unrequited friendship.
So I ask myself, why venture into the unknown when what is in front of me is so perfect. Should I risk ruining this platonic connection just to satisfy the norm of upgrading a status from “single” to “it’s complicated”?
Why can’t people just settle for someone who’d be there whenever one is in need without the need of justifying their connection as to more than friends?
If I would ask myself “what are your thoughts about being in a relationship” while I’m in the calmest and most serene moment, this would have been my answer”
Having someone to text “goodmorning! Ingat ka sa pag pasok ah 🙂 see u later love” when I wake up and having someone to text back with the equal amount of care would complete my day, to be able to share by virtue of affection rather than obligation, to be able to kiss and be kissed, and to be able to love and feel the incredible feeling of absolute love in return… is probably the best thing a relationship is about. It’s caring effortlessly and be cared for unconditionally.
Unfortunately for me, this calmest and most serene moment is just a piece of past that I haven’t reconciled with…. at least for now.
Frankly speaking, I guess most of the people are so inclined with the idea of love read on books, seen on movies and T.V. series. A fake, over-the-top mockery of how real life is played.
One can say that this rant is a product of what hurt me in the past, but in reality, it’s not
* This is just me being absurd and rude… An attempt actually,
Being single is nice( more often than not) I can do whatever I want, go where I want to go, make friends with anyone I want. I am free of obligations and any emotional baggages….
But at the end of the day, there is this piece of me missing… a piece only another person could fill…
As mentally-ill as I may sound, I want to be committed with someone, I want feel vulnerable whenever my friends and I talk about being single. I want to be teased to someone and be matched. I want to experience the chemical reaction where the body and the mind meets at a considerable length of syllables that urges the pleasure of verbal confession of self incrimination to a creation of one’s personal future
In short… I want to be loved.
Come to think of it….
Being in a relationship minus the drama, minus the elaborate words, minus the financial, social and physical aspects….when all that remains is the feeling of longing… it would really be so great to feel the embrace of that person whom you’ve waited for so long.
as for me:
Surround yourself with people who understands your mood and the swings that comes with it.
Be with a crowd where you can let your inhibitions and insecurities down because no one would judge you.
Laugh so hard, the kind of laughter that makes you cry and gives you stomach cramps.
Sing at the top of your lungs like no one cares whether you’re in tune or not.
Share food and eat like a prisoner waiting for his last meal
Drink, have a toast… celebrate the simple wonders of life
have all-nighters studying… but this time, having fun with people you’ve come to know…
and wake up like the happenings are just beginning…
Because with friends…. it ALWAYS feels like Home….
I was 10 years old when Mommy, my grandmother from my mother’s side died. I barely have any memories of her besides her uber delicious Adobo and suman na kanin ( sinangag rolled in oblong with the adobo’s oil).
I have limited information or knowledge about her family and I have no idea that our clan is so vast that they occupy a whole barrio.
Since last Monday was a holiday, my mom decided to spend a day at her old home in bulacan. We brought an inflatable boat so that we’ll have something to do.
We arrived by 10 pm. We were welcomed by my cousin. It’s a cool place, they have this man made pond where they breed fish and shrimp.
okay… leverage lang talaga yung paddle… kasi mahirap pumunta dun sa nabagsak na puno!
The boat was heavy and we have to inflate it manually. Talk about exercise!
Ginusto ko to eh… hahaha! exercise!
20 minutes later, the boat was finally inflated. I decided to eat some breakfast, malunggay pandesal and tuna spread.
unti na lang! matatapos na! 🙂 lezzz go!
tenen! i’m so proud 🙂 hahahahahaha
My dad and I were the first one to try the boat. Tig -isa kaming sagwan! We were just going on circles kasi we were paddling on different directions.
Tito Lary made this steps so that we could easily go inside the boat
“Ako muna Pa! isasagwan ko para hindi tayo umikot!”
It was a hot day. Good thing there were trees and the breeze was cool. From where we were standing, we can see the old house where my grandmother’s parents lived. It was made of old wood and if you’re there with us, you won’t dare go up because it doesn’t look stable
about 100 years old… parang coke commercial!
Medyo creepy, buti na lang may araw pa 🙂
i tried my sister’s vape, lasang popcorn… astig lang! good for those who wants to quit smoking
I looked up and saw a girl inside. My mom called for the care taker and asked if we could go up. He willingly guided us. The stairs is made up of old wood, kala ko bibigay! But I managed to go inside safe.
standing by the window… waiting for….. ah basta!
me and my mom
After the photo session, we decided to go back to the pala-isdaan and prepare lunch. We weren’t aware that the caretaker of the old house dive into the water and went hunting for shrimp. He was unbelievable! He used his hand to search for shrimp and went through the whole pond, kinakapa lang niya!!!!
Tito Jack, the care taker of the old house 🙂 astig talaga!
isa sa nahuli ni tito jack!
After his search for shrimp, we ate our uber delicious lunch.
freshly caught! ang sarap lang 🙂
We went boating again. This time my cousin and siblings joined us. They insisted that they would paddle so I didn’t object.
the boat… it’s sturdy, kasya sampung tao 🙂
Hindi ka naging bata kung hindi mo na-try sipsipin yung dulo ng santan 🙂
dramarama sa hapon!
I always wanted to climb a tree, kaya ayun, i went up and picked some mangoes!
flex those fats!
animal lover eh…
mabait yung pusa 🙂 gusto ko ngang i uwi eh…
We went home by 4 pm. We visited supergramma and returned the boat ( it’s actually hers!)
While anxiously waiting for the result of my board exam, I had a mountain of thoughts about my future.
I was not that worried about the results because my friends are so supportive which lessens the anxiety plus I know in my heart that I did my best.
So during the gap between the exam and the results, I asked my dad if he could buy me some paint so that I could repaint my room. It turns out we had some paint in the stock room.
Paint, paint, paint… I used a brush, the biggest one I think, it’s like 4 inches in width.
My room isn’t big, but enough for my space. I painted it white so that it would look bright and spacious.
the blue paint is for the edges 🙂
I was finished with the two walls when I got a call from our dean. She said that the national passing rate was 56% and that she’s anxious for us too. A few minutes after she hang-up, she texted me saying that the results are out. I can’t access the prc site so I typed my full name on the google box instead.
BOOM! There’s my name.
I took a deep breath and told my very anxious mom ( uso ang anxiety sa panahon ngayon) that I passed. Before she was able to congratulate me, I lost sight of her, yun pala she went out to our neighbors and told them my victory! Talk about being proud 🙂
I posted my name on facebook with my newly added tag “RPh” short for Registered Pharmacist
Then like a tidal wave, a lot of people liked my post, they congratulated me, posted on my timeline, my twitter, PM’ed me and a good friend of mine even congratulated me on tumblr.
I texted my friends and told them that the results are out. They called me on my sun number and we congratulated each other.
The feeling was sublime.
I cant sleep so I decided to finish painting my room.
Then I received Anon’s text which made my heart flutter… ay sh*t. Hindi ito tama.
We exchanged text messages…. And yes, guys feel that flutter too…
I keep on looking at my phone, it was 2:30 am, so baka tulog na siya.
I decided to stop painting and just continue the next day. I took a bath then I took my bed and set it on the floor of my parents’ room kasi mine smells like paint, nakaka adik!
I lied on my bed re-reading Anon’s texts.. how pathetic! ( okay, this happened before I decided to write the letter!)
I woke up at around 9 am. There were messages on my phone, but none from anon. I opened my facebook and saw a bunch of notifs. I replied on their greetings, parang pasko, I told myself.
The day passed by fairly. I finished the whole room and decided to return all my things first thing in the morning.
My mom asked me to accompany her to 168. Since I have so much time to spend, I agreed to come. We went to Ilaya where many fabrics are being sold. I remembered my list of things to accomplish and it’s written there that I need to learn how to sew. I asked my mom to help me choose some fabrics so that I could try making my own sheets.
I fixed my room and rearranged my bed. I was so tired so I slept early.
I woke up at around 3:30 am. I’m still suffering from a review hangover, then I realized that the exam was over . I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I decided to go online. I thought about Anon.
I looked at anon’s profile. Surprise ,surprise! Tagged pictures.
I was hurt.
It’s that moment when it finally hit me, the moment I wrote the letter.
I realized that I have to do something to move on. Hindi ko naman kasalanan mag- assume. Though I wasn’t technically and directly lead to assume my case, I wasn’t denied or forfeited to think that there’s no future for us either.
Good thing it was the day my friends and I decided to go back to the churches. We had a side trip to manila zoo.
I went home half tired.
My parents were home and I was starving so I asked them if they want to eat at yakimix, my treat.
We went to trinoma at around 6 pm, we were escorted to our table, I grabbed a plate, picked some fresh seafoods, dumped them on the pan-like stove and ate my frustrations out! ( potek ang bitter ko!)
I asked my parents to go for a walk before we head home ( para bumaba yung kinain) we went to landmark and looked for some clothes that I can wear for the oath taking. I saw some promising clothes but I didn’t buy them yet because I have to lose the weight I gained during the review.
We went home after.
Trying/ resisting on opening Anon’s page, I downloaded some books suggested by my plurk friends.
Every word about the character reminded me of anon, but I continued reading anyway. I finished the book, ate my peanut butter pandesal and went online.
Online s’ya. Para akong high school. I am head-over-heels. I can’t resist but I have to. I logged out as soon as the page was fully opened. There are so many thoughts in my mind. I tried to be rational.
“ ilagay mo nag yung sarili mo sa lugar niya, wala syang gusto sa iyo, meron na siyang iba! Wake up ken! Ang tanda mo na para sa ganitong mga bagay! Be mature enough tsong! Hindi pwede! Magmumukha ka lang tanga kaka asa!”
Is it because of my ugliness? Do I lack manners? Do I smell bad? Perhaps I’m not a boyfriend material, too weakling? too proud?
After further contemplations, I convinced myself that the problem is that I take myself for granted all the time and I give too much of myself even if people doesn’t even need me which makes me look desperate and needy at times… so much for generosity. It’s just that, i have a soft spot on people who shows me kindness without me asking for it and i don’t know how much i should give back to reciprocate the kindness…nagmumukha tuloy akong papansin.
I gazed outside my window; I saw the black steel covered with different stuffs. I went outside and uncovered it, turns out it’s our gym equipments. I half smiled and had an intervention.
I went to my room changed my shirt and grabbed my music player. I started running on the treadmill.
I let my mind get lost in the rhythm of my feet. I finished my work out. It felt good.
Then it hit me.
I need to take care of myself. Because one day someone would come along and sweep me of my feet. And I want to look decent, confident and sure enough about myself. I will not look desperate or needy, but I will not be apathetic too. I will be the guy I pledged I would be.
I took a shower, put my clothes, went online and looked at anon’s profile.
I felt nothing, perhaps because I saw the pictures already or perhaps because I’ve accepted it
Either way, I know it’s the start.
The start of moving forward.
The danger of being lonely is that you easily fall for the very first person who shows that you are not alone.
Today I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with a board review hangover and the first thing I did was to check if you have updated your status or if you have texted me…okay… i’m a pathetic stalker.
I haven’t seen you for days anon and I know I miss you badly, but I realized I can’t go through life clinging on everything that you do. You were not my life before and I have to face the fact that you will never be.
I realized how crazy I am daydreaming about what would happen between us. I feel really awkward and half ashamed. I expected better from myself and I never realized that I would go this low for a person…reality check : I did.
I will not take you away from your boyfriend nor be the reason for your misunderstanding. I know where I stand now and I have to accept it.
I am not bitter nor angry at you because I have no reasons to be. I want you to be happy because you were one of the people who supported me when I was struggling with my plight.
I am letting my heart free from you and I know that the most I could have with our relationship is friendship. I am happy and satisfied with that.
Moving on is simple because you gave me no reason to loathe you. I made my own illusion and now I am in my sane state again.
Starting today I will not write bitter thoughts. No more melodrama about not having you, no more teleserye-ish quotes about being just your option and no more trying to win you stuffs.
I guess all I want is for someone to love me the way I loved you. As much as I envy him for having you, I realized that perhaps there is still someone out here waiting for me too like how I waited for you and I don’t want to waste another moment thinking that there would be “us” in the future.
Yes… somehow, someday, we’ll find a new way of living.
I have lived most of my life not knowing you and I was fine. You entered my life and I became insane because I find you really attractive. I failed to realize that you are also a person who is capable of loving others. I became selfish and considered you as a prize.
I don’t deserve you.
I became too secure of my place in your heart even if I don’t have any.
This is not farewell because we are friends and will always be.
I just wish that in time I also find the right one for me.
Because it seems like moving on is becoming somewhat my hobby…..
When i took the board exam, i offered prayers to seven churches namely the Baclaran Church, Quiapo church, St. Jude, Sta. Cruz, Sta. Clara, Shrine of Our Lady of Grace and Our Lady of Manaoag. i promised that whenever i passed the exam, i will return and give thanks.
So, as promised, I did return, together with my friends who accompanied me when I first went there.
Anyway, We decided to divide going to these churches into to trips.
Today, We went to Baclaran, Quiapo and Sta. Cruz, and well, it was an unexpected journey…
We went to binondo
to search for my crush, Jade Dimagiba, to find the fried siopao i read about in robbie’s blog.
they moved out, the restaurant was elusive kasi hindi ako marunong magbasa ng chinese..
I had a crazy idea… I asked them if they would like to visit the manila zoo since we have so many time in our hands. They didn’t hesitate, so off we went.
Welcome to Manila Zoo! yeehee! para akong batang excited pumasok!
We went to the other side of the Sta. Cruz church road and rode a jeepney going to mabini. The fare was eleven pesos. We asked the driver to drop us exactly at the zoo entrance and he was kind enough to do so.
gubat sa syudad! ahaha
We payed 40 pesos each for the entrance. They gave us some tickets which they ripped of as we entered. They didnt have any baggage counter so we carried the heavy stuffs we bought at carriedo ( mabigat, pero tiis lang! ginusto namin to eh!)
the festive entrance…nakaka excite!
The first thing we saw when we entered was a huge cemented chamber. My friend said that there’s an elephant there which made me ecstatic because i have never seen one in real life. We then saw a vague silhouette hiding near the wall… then after a minute, it started walking towards us…. feeling ko ako si Budoy! so naive! ahahahaha
Ang kyooot! nagpo-pose pa!
The elephant didn’t look so healthy though. Parang may sakit sya, and you can see in its eyes na malungkot… or it’s just the emotional me speaking! ahihi! right beside the elephant’s home is the ostritch’s cage.
smile with your eyes! SMIZE! hahaha!
We moved forward to the next cage and saw a weird but awesome looking bird or fowl or whatever! basta ayun.
ibon na walang pakpak~ ironic! baka meron naman din… di ko sigurado…
We had enough of this masungit na creature so we moved along. Kulang na lang ng happy meal and the inner child in me is satisfied! ahahaha.
racing ito! kaso ang tagal nakarating sa finish line!
We entered a man- made cave where the animals are inside a glass cage, parang school exhibit! probably because they’re the dangerous ones or the expensive ones.
monitor lizard: bayawak ata in tagalog.. if I’m right… masarap na ulam ito! hahaha!
3 idiots… este… 3 iguanas.!
isa kang AHAS! AHAS! ahaha!
snake na nag glutathione!
face to face! buhay pa yan,,, buwis buhay ako para sa pichur!
The pythons are well fed i think kasi matataba like me! kaya lang, their surroundings seems gloomy. We got tired from walking kasi since 7:30 am naglalakad na kami!
May nakawala! ahahaha! ikulong ang baboy ramo!
i can feel the sadness in this monkey’s eyes… nag e-emo eh
nagkukutuhan…. abot hanggan ano… ayun…. basta … tapos sabay subo! true story!
gustong makawala eh… pero hindi pwede….
kyoot nung pusa…palawan meercat.., di ako sujre, pero parang yan ata un
Sorry naman at nagising ka civet… pengeng kape!
There were icecream vendors lurking around and my friend treated us:) salamat Geraldine!
Jean! kagat na dali!
Mga ibon naman!
eagle…. la nang maisip
ibong adarnang bundat! ahahaha!
peacock na nakatayo… no pun intended! hahaha
nagmamaganda?! nag mamagwapo yan
tumor? ahahaha! normal lang….
to the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
nagpapanggap na zebra! kinula? jinobos? piniturahan? naka animal print? ahahaha
ito naman kasi yung totoong zebra! bawal lumabas baka maging tan! hahaha
mouse deer…. parang kambing lang!
Siesta. More fun in the Philippines.
kakainom lang ng moo… tulog ulet para tumangkad!~
this is my favorite 🙂 kala ko ferocious, yun pala punggok! hehehehe! ang kulet lang!
Our trip ended with a failed jumpshot! ahaha! we were planning to go to luneta pa sana, but we decided not to kasi sobrang pagod na.
We headed the exit and rode a personalized tricycle (ni manong na nambabarat! ) vgoing to the Quirino LRT station. We then rode the LRT going to monumento. We departed ways once we reached the station kasi magkakaiba kami ng ways pauwi. It was so fun! we should have done this sooner! hahaha!
Next Stop: Intramuros.
I’m supposed to reveal your name in my blog today because my friend keeps on asking me about you.
You are the inspiration behind my smile. Your thoughtful messages encouraged me to give my best, your prayers held my hand as I answered my exam.
I was about to tell you what I feel.
But you’re already taken.
And yes, I’m supposed to shout your name and tell everyone the person I love…
But it seems that it’s better if you remain ANONYMOUS.
I had a professor who never fails to bring my hopes down, he always excluded me from all the good words he says about the class and not that I am fishing for compliments but I can feel his deep angst against me. Perhaps it has something to do with my know-it-all personality.
I am a know-it all, I guess. I mean I am fond of trivia, books of everything, countdowns, top ten amazing stuffs, best places to go when you’re into traveling, list of highest grossing films, top ten most remarkable creations. I am updated with all the current events even in showbiz, I like learning, I love learning. It is my passion.
I don’t fancy the fact that people misinterpret this as nagmamagaling, nangunguna, bumabangka, or anything that makes me feel like I’m being pegged as Pa-bida, why? … because I share these stuffs to make a conversation, because I like talking to people, I am interested with their opinions, I like the interaction and it is never my intention to demoralize or to even arouse the thought that I am being better than anyone else.
I am insecure in so many levels. I hate a lot about myself. But what good can it produce if I will keep on thinking about what’s bad about me? I’d rather nurture the goodness.
Everything is about versions. Think good, feel good, look good. I may not have a lot, but I have enough. I do aspire for more, but my ambitions are restricted to reality: achievable reality. I don’t aspire for wings just for me to fly, but I dream of riding an airplane. I don’t aspire for a genius mind, but I dream of learning every day. I don’t aspire for castles and mansions, but I dream of having a simple and happy family in a safe and agreeable home.
My point is, there are certain ways to achieve impossible, one is to make a realistic version of it.
I believe that ambitions should be defined as the thought where impossible meets reality halfway.
What I realized is that there would always be people who will pull you down no matter what, maybe because of envy or because of competition, but be grateful and reflect on their regards about you, because sometimes they see what you can’t about yourself. If incase they’re right, open yourself for change, don’t feel embarrassed about changing, embrace the thought of being better. But if they’re wrong, then let them be, focus on the people who always believe in you.
Nothing worth having comes easy. True. And sometimes, it’s the journey of achieving that makes us the better people. Sure it’s nice to be recognized for the deeds that you do, but if you’re doing them for the sake of recognition, then it’s a superficial achievement. The deepest and most warranted achievements are those that are done with a sincere heart for a greater purpose and not those that are done for a second of limelight and momentary bliss.
I always tell my student that they are better than me, not because I want to make myself look humble and be liked but because I share with them everything I learned, and if they make the most out of what I offer, they can use these thoughts and knowledge as their stepping stone to achieve more than what I could. I want to be a lever of their success because I have experienced having levers with mine and it felt amazing, as if I am never alone in a journey, as if someone is always there to push me whenever I feel like falling.
After my hopefully successful exam, I want to teach again. I promise myself never to turn into someone with any angst against somebody, I will support and consider all my student’s ideas, balance their time, effort and ability to achieve their maximum potentials. I will never be that professor who made me feel insecure, unworthy and irrelevant.
Amidst all these, I am still thankful for his desire to pull me down because I learned how to trust myself and my abilities.
I do agree with the idea. But here is my version.
Fly as high and as mighty as you want, reach for your dreams and conquer the world, you don’t need to let your feet stay on the ground. Be free, but remember this. You may fly and rise above others but NEVER forget where you came from and NEVER forget your way back home.
Once you reached the top, what would you do?
Some says there’s no other way but down…. They’re wrong!
Once you’re there, you don’t have to leave, you may stay as long as you want, but don’t forget to share your success with others. Hold still and reach your hand to those below you.
Success is far more fun when shared.
i went to SM with my friends to buy some red undergarnments since myth has it that it brings goodluck to anyone who wears it during examinations. Fortunately for me, i’m gonna wear my black pants so the red undergarment wont be noticeable plus my shoes are black too so my socks wont be seen.
THE UNFORTUNATE PART is that there were no RED socks at SM and even at bench which i find odd since they seem to have all the funky underwear.
My dad accompanied my mom to buy some medical stuffs so i was alone at home.
The phone rang and i answered it. It was my dad.
he asked me if there is anything i need so he can buy it since they were out malling.
I told him i havent bought the red things yet.
he said he’ll try to look for it then he hang up the phone.
The arrived home at around 6 PM.
my dad went all the way from SM manila, Santa Cruz and quiapo just to purchase my red vanity.
RED!!!!!!(Sorry bout my table, yan kasi yung portable table ko pag sa kama ako nagbabasa 🙂
I love my dad! 🙂