I was 10 years old when Mommy, my grandmother from my mother’s side died. I barely have any memories of her besides her uber delicious Adobo and suman na kanin ( sinangag rolled in oblong with the adobo’s oil).

I have limited information or knowledge about her family and I have no idea that our clan is so vast that they occupy a whole barrio.

Since last Monday was a holiday, my mom decided to spend a day at her old home in bulacan. We brought an inflatable boat so that we’ll have something to do.

We arrived by 10 pm. We were welcomed by my cousin. It’s a cool place, they have this man made pond where they breed fish and shrimp.

okay… leverage lang talaga yung paddle… kasi mahirap pumunta dun sa nabagsak na puno!

 The boat was heavy and we have to inflate it manually. Talk about exercise!

 Ginusto ko to eh… hahaha! exercise!

20 minutes later, the boat was finally inflated. I decided to eat some breakfast, malunggay pandesal and tuna spread.

unti na lang! matatapos na! lezzz go!

tenen! i’m so proud hahahahahaha

My dad and I were the first one to try the boat. Tig -isa kaming sagwan! We were just going on circles kasi we were paddling on different directions.

Tito Lary made this steps so that we could easily go inside the boat

“Ako muna Pa! isasagwan ko para hindi tayo umikot!”

It was a hot day. Good thing there were trees and the breeze was cool.  From where we were standing, we can see the old house where my grandmother’s parents lived. It was made of old wood and if you’re there with us, you won’t dare go up because it doesn’t look stable

about 100 years old… parang coke commercial!

Medyo creepy, buti na lang may araw pa

i tried my sister’s vape, lasang popcorn… astig lang! good for those who wants to quit smoking

I looked up and saw a girl inside. My mom called for the care taker and asked if we could go up. He willingly guided us. The stairs is made up of old wood, kala ko bibigay! But I managed to go inside safe.

standing by the window… waiting for….. ah basta!  

me and my mom

After the photo session, we decided to go back to the pala-isdaan and prepare lunch.  We weren’t aware that the caretaker of the old house dive into the water and went hunting for shrimp. He was unbelievable! He used his hand to search for shrimp and went through the whole pond, kinakapa lang niya!!!!

Tito Jack, the care taker of the old house astig talaga!

isa sa nahuli ni tito jack! 

After his search for shrimp,  we ate our uber delicious lunch.

freshly caught! ang sarap lang

We went boating again. This time my cousin and siblings joined us. They insisted that they would paddle so I didn’t object.

the boat… it’s sturdy, kasya sampung tao

Hindi ka naging bata kung hindi mo na-try sipsipin yung dulo ng santan

dramarama sa hapon!

I always wanted to climb a tree, kaya ayun, i went up and picked some mangoes!

flex those fats!

animal lover eh…

mabait yung pusa gusto ko ngang i uwi eh…

We went home by 4 pm. We visited supergramma and returned the boat ( it’s actually hers!)

While anxiously waiting for the result of my board exam, I had a mountain of thoughts about my future.

I was not that worried about the results because my friends are so supportive which lessens the anxiety plus I know in my heart that I did my best.

So during the gap between the exam and the results, I asked my dad if he could buy me some paint so that I could repaint my room. It turns out we had some paint in the stock room.

Paint, paint, paint… I used a brush, the biggest one I think, it’s like 4 inches in width.

My room isn’t big, but enough for my space. I painted it white so that it would look bright and spacious.

the blue paint is for the edges

I was finished with the two walls when I got a call from our dean. She said that the national passing rate was 56% and that she’s anxious for us too. A few minutes after she hang-up, she texted me saying that the results are out. I can’t access the prc site so I typed my full name on the google box instead.

BOOM!  There’s my name.

I took a deep breath and told my very anxious mom ( uso ang anxiety sa panahon ngayon) that I passed. Before she was able to congratulate me, I lost sight of her, yun pala she went out to our neighbors  and told them my victory! Talk about being proud

I posted my name on facebook with my newly added tag “RPh” short for Registered Pharmacist

Then like a tidal wave, a lot of people liked my post, they congratulated me, posted on my timeline, my twitter, PM’ed me and a good friend of mine even congratulated me on tumblr.

I texted my friends and told them that the results are out. They called me on my sun number and we congratulated each other.

The feeling was sublime.

I cant sleep so I decided to finish painting my room.

Then I received Anon’s text which made my heart flutter… ay sh*t. Hindi ito tama.

We exchanged text messages…. And yes, guys feel that flutter too…

I keep on looking at my phone, it was 2:30 am, so baka tulog na siya.

I decided to stop painting and just continue the next day. I took a bath then I took my bed and set it on the floor of my parents’ room kasi mine smells like paint, nakaka adik!

I lied on my bed re-reading Anon’s texts.. how pathetic! ( okay, this happened before I decided to write the letter!)

Day 2

I woke up at around 9 am. There were messages on my phone, but none from anon. I opened my facebook and saw a bunch of notifs. I replied on their greetings,  parang pasko, I told myself.

The day passed by fairly.  I finished the whole room and decided to return all my things first thing in the morning.

Day 3

My mom asked me to accompany her to 168.  Since I have so much time to spend, I agreed to come. We went to Ilaya where many fabrics are being sold. I remembered my list of things to accomplish and it’s written there that I need to learn how to sew. I asked my mom to help me choose some fabrics so that I could try making my own sheets.

We reached home by 4 pm. I was happy with what we bought because the fabrics are well designed like paintings.

I fixed my room and rearranged my bed.  I was so tired so I slept early.

Day 4

I woke up at around 3:30 am. I’m still suffering from a review hangover, then I realized that the exam was over . I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I decided to go online. I thought about Anon.

I looked at anon’s profile.  Surprise ,surprise!  Tagged pictures.

I was hurt.

Extremely.

It’s that moment when it finally hit me, the moment I wrote the letter.

Day 5

I realized that I have to do something to move on.  Hindi ko naman kasalanan mag- assume. Though I wasn’t technically and directly lead to assume my case, I wasn’t denied or forfeited to think that there’s no future for us either.

Good thing it was the day my friends and I decided to go back to the churches. We had a side trip to manila zoo.

I went home half tired.

My parents were home and I was starving so I asked them if they want to eat at yakimix, my treat.

We went to trinoma  at around 6 pm, we were escorted to our table, I grabbed a plate, picked some fresh seafoods, dumped them on the pan-like stove and ate my frustrations out! ( potek ang bitter ko!)

I asked my parents to go for a walk before we head home ( para bumaba yung kinain) we went to landmark and looked for some clothes that I can wear for the oath taking. I saw some promising clothes but I didn’t buy them yet because I have to lose the weight I gained during the review.

We went home after.

Day 6:

Trying/ resisting on opening Anon’s page, I downloaded some books suggested by my plurk friends.

Every word about the character reminded me of anon, but I continued reading anyway. I finished the book, ate my peanut butter pandesal and went online.

Online s’ya.  Para akong high school. I am head-over-heels. I can’t resist but I have to.  I logged out as soon as the page was fully opened.  There are so many thoughts in my mind. I tried to be rational.

“ ilagay mo nag yung sarili mo sa lugar niya, wala syang gusto sa iyo, meron na siyang iba! Wake up ken! Ang tanda mo na para sa ganitong mga bagay! Be mature enough tsong! Hindi pwede! Magmumukha ka lang tanga kaka asa!”

Dear Anon,

Today I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with a board review hangover and the first thing I did was to check if you have updated your status or if you have texted me…okay… i’m a pathetic stalker.

I haven’t seen you for days anon and I know I miss you badly, but I realized I can’t go through life clinging on everything that you do. You were not my life before and I have to face the fact that you will never be.

I realized how crazy I am daydreaming about what would happen between us. I feel really awkward and half ashamed. I expected better from  myself and I never realized that I would go this low for a person…reality check : I did.

I will not take you away from your boyfriend nor be the reason for your misunderstanding. I know where I stand now and I have to accept it.

I am not bitter nor angry at you because I have no reasons to be. I want you to be happy because you were one of the people who supported me when I was struggling with my plight.

I am letting my heart free from you and I know that the most I could have with our relationship is friendship. I am happy and satisfied with that.

Moving on is simple because you gave me no reason to loathe you. I made my own illusion and now I am in my sane state again.

Starting today I will not write bitter thoughts. No more melodrama about not having you, no more teleserye-ish quotes about being just your option and no more trying to win you stuffs.

I guess all I want is for someone to love me the way I loved you. As much as I envy him for having you, I realized that perhaps there is still someone out here waiting for me too like how I waited for you and I don’t want to waste another moment thinking that there would be “us” in the future.

Yes… somehow, someday, we’ll find a new way of living.

I have lived most of my life not knowing you and I was fine. You entered my life and I became insane because I find you really attractive. I failed to realize that you are also a person who is capable of loving others. I became selfish and considered you as a prize.

I lost.

I don’t deserve you.

I became too secure of my place in your heart even if I don’t have any.

This is not farewell because we are friends and will always be.

I just wish that in time I also find the right one for me.

Because it seems like moving on is becoming somewhat my hobby…..

I passed.

So, as promised, I did return, together with my friends who accompanied me when I first went there.

Anyway, We decided to divide going to these churches into to trips.

Today, We went to Baclaran, Quiapo and Sta. Cruz, and well, it was an unexpected journey…

We went to binondo to search for my crush, Jade Dimagiba, to find the fried siopao i read about in robbie’s blog.

Unfortunately, they moved out, the restaurant was elusive kasi hindi ako marunong magbasa ng chinese..

I had a crazy idea… I asked them if they would like to visit the manila zoo since we have so many time in our hands. They didn’t hesitate, so off we went.

Welcome to Manila Zoo! yeehee!  para akong batang excited pumasok!

We went to the other side of the Sta. Cruz church road and rode a jeepney going to mabini. The fare was eleven pesos. We asked the driver to drop us exactly at the zoo entrance and he was kind enough to do so.

   gubat sa syudad! ahaha

We payed 40 pesos each for the entrance. They gave us some tickets which they ripped of as we entered. They didnt have any baggage counter so we carried the heavy stuffs we bought at carriedo ( mabigat, pero tiis lang! ginusto namin to eh!)

the festive entrance…nakaka excite!

The first thing we saw when we entered was a huge cemented chamber. My friend said that there’s an elephant there which made me ecstatic because i have never seen one in real life. We  then saw a vague silhouette hiding near the wall…  then after a minute,  it started walking towards us…. feeling ko ako si Budoy! so naive! ahahahaha 

Ang kyooot! nagpo-pose pa!

The elephant didn’t look so healthy though. Parang may sakit sya, and you can see in its eyes na malungkot… or it’s just the emotional me speaking! ahihi! right beside the elephant’s home is the ostritch’s cage.

I was afraid to go near the cage because their heads go beyond the steel barrier. Good thing, hindi naman ako natuka.

smile with your eyes! SMIZE! hahaha!

We moved forward to the next cage and saw a weird but awesome looking bird or fowl or whatever! basta ayun.

ibon na walang pakpak~ ironic! baka meron naman din… di ko sigurado…

We had enough of this masungit na creature so we moved along.  Kulang na lang ng happy meal and the inner child in me is satisfied! ahahaha.

racing ito! kaso ang tagal nakarating sa finish line!

We entered a man- made cave where the animals are inside a glass cage, parang school exhibit! probably because they’re the dangerous ones or the expensive ones.

monitor lizard: bayawak ata in tagalog.. if I’m right… masarap na ulam ito! hahaha!

3 idiots… este… 3 iguanas.!

isa kang AHAS! AHAS! ahaha!

snake na nag glutathione!

green naman…

face to face! buhay pa yan,,, buwis buhay ako para sa pichur!

The pythons are well fed i think kasi matataba like me! kaya lang, their surroundings seems gloomy. We got tired from walking kasi since 7:30 am naglalakad na kami!

May nakawala! ahahaha! ikulong ang baboy ramo!

i can feel the sadness in this monkey’s eyes… nag e-emo eh

nagkukutuhan…. abot hanggan ano… ayun…. basta … tapos sabay subo! true story!

gustong makawala eh… pero hindi pwede….

kyoot nung pusa…palawan meercat.., di ako sujre, pero parang yan ata un

Sorry naman at nagising ka civet… pengeng kape!

There were icecream vendors lurking around and my friend treated us:) salamat  Geraldine!

Jean! kagat na dali!

Budoy???

Mga ibon naman!

eagle…. la nang maisip

ibong adarnang bundat! ahahaha!

peacock na nakatayo… no pun intended! hahaha

nagmamaganda?! nag mamagwapo yan

tumor? ahahaha! normal lang….

to the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

nagpapanggap na zebra! kinula? jinobos? piniturahan? naka animal print? ahahaha

ito naman kasi yung totoong zebra! bawal lumabas baka maging tan! hahaha

mouse deer…. parang kambing lang!

Siesta. More fun in the Philippines.

kakainom lang ng moo… tulog ulet para tumangkad!~

this is my favorite kala ko ferocious, yun pala punggok! hehehehe! ang kulet lang!

Our trip ended with a failed jumpshot! ahaha! we were planning to go to luneta pa sana, but we decided not to kasi sobrang pagod na.

We headed the exit and rode a personalized tricycle (ni manong na nambabarat! ) vgoing to the Quirino LRT station. We then rode the LRT going to monumento. We departed ways once we reached the station kasi magkakaiba kami ng ways pauwi. It was so fun! we should have done this sooner! hahaha!

Next Stop: Intramuros.

TARA!

You are the inspiration behind my smile. Your thoughtful messages encouraged me to give my best, your prayers held my hand as I answered my exam.

I was about to tell you what I feel.

But you’re already taken.

And yes, I’m supposed to shout your name and tell everyone the person I love…

But it seems that it’s better if you remain ANONYMOUS.

I am a know-it all, I guess. I mean I am fond of trivia, books of everything, countdowns, top ten amazing stuffs, best places to go when you’re into traveling, list of highest grossing films, top ten most remarkable creations. I am updated with all the current events even in showbiz, I like learning, I love learning. It is my passion.

I don’t fancy the fact that people misinterpret this as nagmamagaling, nangunguna, bumabangka, or anything that makes me feel like I’m being pegged as Pa-bida, why? … because I share these stuffs to make a conversation, because I like talking to people, I am interested with their opinions, I like the interaction and it is never my intention to demoralize or to even arouse the thought that I am being better than anyone else.

I am insecure in so many levels. I hate a lot about myself. But what good can it produce if I will keep on thinking about what’s bad about me? I’d rather nurture the goodness.

Everything is about versions. Think good, feel good, look good.  I may not have a lot, but I have enough. I do aspire for more, but my ambitions are restricted to reality: achievable reality. I don’t aspire for wings just for me to fly, but I dream of riding an airplane. I don’t aspire for a genius mind, but I dream of learning every day. I don’t aspire for castles and mansions, but I dream of having a simple and happy family in a safe and agreeable home.

My point is, there are certain ways to achieve impossible, one is to make a realistic version of it.

I believe that ambitions should be defined as the thought where impossible meets reality halfway.

What I realized is that there would always be people who will pull you down no matter what, maybe because of envy or because of competition, but be grateful and reflect  on their regards about you, because sometimes they see what you can’t about yourself. If incase they’re right, open yourself  for change, don’t feel embarrassed about changing, embrace the thought of being better. But if they’re wrong, then let them be, focus on the people who always believe in you.

Nothing worth having comes easy. True. And sometimes, it’s the journey of achieving  that makes us the better people. Sure it’s nice to be recognized for the deeds that you do, but if you’re doing them for the sake of recognition, then it’s a superficial achievement. The deepest and most warranted achievements are those that are done with a sincere heart for a greater purpose and not those that are done for a second of limelight and momentary bliss.

I always tell my student that they are better than me, not because I want to make myself look humble and be liked but because I share with them everything I learned, and if they make the most out of what I offer, they can use these thoughts and knowledge as their stepping stone to achieve more than what I could.  I want to be a lever of their success because I have experienced having levers with mine and it felt amazing, as if I am never alone in a journey,  as if someone is always there to push me whenever I feel like falling.

After my hopefully successful exam, I want to teach again. I promise myself never to turn into someone with any angst against somebody, I will support and consider all my student’s ideas, balance their time, effort and ability to achieve their maximum potentials. I will never be that professor who made me feel insecure, unworthy and irrelevant.

Amidst all these, I am still thankful for his desire to pull me down because I learned how to trust myself and my abilities.

THE UNFORTUNATE PART is that there were no RED socks at SM and even at bench which i find odd since they seem to have all the funky underwear.

FAST FORWARD……..

My dad accompanied my mom to buy some medical stuffs so i was alone at home.

The phone rang and i answered it. It was my dad.

he asked me if there is anything i need so he can buy it since they were out malling.

I told him i havent bought the red things yet.

he said he’ll try to look for it then he hang up the phone.

The arrived home at around 6 PM.

my dad went all the way from SM manila, Santa Cruz and quiapo just to purchase my red vanity.

                                                        RED!!!!!!(Sorry bout my table, yan kasi yung portable table ko pag sa kama ako nagbabasa

I love my dad!

I had a flashforward, five years from now, I am a professor, with a master’s degree in pharmacology, preparing my lecture about antibiotics and putting cliché effects with matching sounds! Eeek

5 days from now. I will take my board exam. Make or break.

I feel like I have gamu-gamo, butterflies, and all the arthropods creeping in my stomach!

I feel unprepared but I know I have been preparing. Touché

I don’t know what to expect.

I just want to rest my head, cover my face with pillows and suffocate myself,, or perhaps  sleep na lang.

I cant wait to sing my heart out! Yung tipong gigimbal sa mga kapitbahay.

I want to travel, go to baguio, ilocos and sagada. Geeessssh! I need to save up pa pala, I barely have money already.

I want to have fun! Go malling, ice skating, read an entire novel inside the bookstore! Trip trip lang, palaboy mode

I want to go to bora or visit jane in Palawan then she’ll tour us sa underground river.

I want to draw, even though I’m so talentless at it. Screw you portraits, landscapes and mangas! im doin’ abstracts!

I want to repaint my room, black, brown, beige and white, clean looking or maybe hospital room looking.

I wanna lose these fats! Like 30 pounds of it! Gusto ko ng mala jake Cuenca abs, yung tipong, abs pa lang t-shirt na!,

I want this to be done already! It’s sucking the life out of me! hai

Arrrggggg! Okay… inhale…exhale….repeat it twice ken!

Back to reality ken! 5 days na lang and youre still procrastinating!

Okay.. enough with this, open your notes and read them AGAIN!

I like New Year  because it gives me a chance to have a fresh start, a clean slate, new vision to see, a new adventure to pursue and a new hope to look forward to.

This year I want to start my life in a subtle yet intact and a more realistic way.

I want to be precise, straight to the point and simple, that is why I thought to place this year in a bottle and wash it away on the sea of fun, adventure and hope.

Inside my bottle is a word that would describe my goal and my strategy on how I would tackle this life from now on.

Inside this bottle is a word.

And that word is:

I chose “ GO” because this year I want to travel the Philippines, so by the word itself, I want to go to the world and multiply~ manny paquiao?! Really, I want to travel and explore the diverse culture beyond what manila could offer.

“GO” denotes a sense of moving forward rather than reverse, it means pushing myself to my limit rather than staying in my comfort zone. It pushes me to be daring, bold and provocative ( in a non- pornographic sense!)

This word, simple as it may sound allows me to conquer my fears and dare to start living my dreams.

This year, I want to live outside my shell, I am a professional now, I have a degree, but that doesn’t mean I am educated enough.  “GO” reminds me that there is still more to  life out there and never a dead end. It brings light to the thought that everyday is a never ending journey for an unmarked destination to find myself, to find my love, to live my passion and to realize what I am capable of.

I want to be independent but not alone, I want to be able to take care of myself and carry my life. I want to go and meet new people, learn new prospective, build new dreams and discover new things.

Starting today “GO” will not just be a simple word for me, but a foundation.

This word has diverse meaning and any level of intellect can decipher what it entails.

When I was a child I always hear this word in cartoons, and perhaps right now, it seems so real.

GOD: GO KEN! I choose YOU!

I was happy I dug into it while I was so bored with my review. It seemed a blessing in disguise! I swear I thought you were the character! It did felt awkward at first but I got used to it because I was imagining that it was you on my tv screen.
I kept laughing at myself! I can’t believe I even blogged about you. I am so happy that right now I see what I missed. I missed myself! Haha

Maybe its time to be selfish, it’s time for me to think about myself naman for a change!
Its so funny how in a split second, everything you feel about someone can change.
Perhaps it isn’t really love and obsession after all!