Status: Single?

It’s a good thing that I don’t need to defend myself whenever my friends and I are teasing each other about being single. I like the fact that they know me as an anhedonic guy whose heart is as hollow as his piggy bank.

I’m not usually the type of guy who would send quotes of love and share feelings. Except of course in my blog where I can pour the remaining human part in me  (if that could be considered humane)

Don’t get me wrong, I usually am the friend who’d tease this friend to that friend, like a freakin’ match maker (always by accident).

I’ve had some people confessed their feelings for me but the tragedy about my insane discretion of feelings is that I tend to pull away. In my defense, I just don’t want them to get hurt if they expect me to reciprocate the emotions.

I’m not really that heartless, I’ve experienced rejection many times compared to the former situation.

I know the feeling of being rejected, left behind and snubbed by the person whom I made center of  my  life, career and sanity ( whew! Ang lalim! May pinaghuhugutan!)

Perhaps that’s what made me think that love is irrational.

Infatuation, crush, idol… these terms are sooo different from love. Yet most commonly considered interchangeable labels. It’s really hard to distinguish between the four but it should always be the first thing to be thought about.

“I am infatuated by you” is different from “ I love you” yet for some, they’re just the same. ( guilty)

My friends know about my blog and they do respect the contents of it. They know about Anon and they feel for me.

My reluctance for a relationship has everything to do with the past rejections and present pressure.

This made my idea of stating feelings somewhat laborious.

A confession of love is an idea of self incrimination to a homicide of one’s personal future. A thought misconceived in the state of heightened endorphins and serotonin. It is a chemical reaction where the body and the mind meets at a considerable length of syllables that urges the pleasure of verbal disaster and energy wasting.

ODK! Such bitterness! Hahaha

It’s funny how I could sound mushy and all that soft in my writings while I don’t even want to talk about it in person, like this is my reliever, my outlet.  Perhaps there’s this comfort of sharing what I feel with people who’ll base their judgments and advices on the fragments and clauses I type on my keyboard.

While that may sound ill-phrased,  I only have one topic to avoid in real life… and that is my relationship or lack there of.

It is a tedious bond of voluminous considerations, adjustments and selflessness which I lack or most likely have in shortage. I can comprehend, I can share, I can give and I can acknowledge the need for expression but everything about relationship could also be found in real, unrequited friendship.

So I ask myself, why venture into the unknown when what is in front of me is so perfect. Should I risk ruining this  platonic connection just to satisfy the norm of upgrading a status from “single” to “it’s complicated”?

Why can’t people just settle for someone who’d be there whenever one is in need without the need of justifying their connection as to more than friends?

On this note, I would remain single for the rest of my life. Hahaha

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If I would ask myself “what are your thoughts about being in a relationship” while I’m in the calmest and most serene moment, this would have been my answer”

Having someone to text “goodmorning! Ingat ka sa pag pasok ah see u later love” when I wake up and having someone to text back with the equal amount of care would complete my day, to be able to share by virtue of affection rather than obligation,  to be able to kiss and be kissed, and to be able to love and feel the incredible feeling of absolute love in return… is probably the best thing a relationship is about. It’s caring effortlessly and be cared for unconditionally.

Unfortunately for me, this calmest and most serene moment is just a piece of past that I haven’t reconciled with…. at least for now.

I’m not in recovery. I’m just drifting away from the consequences of failed attempts to build a foundation based on feelings that are prone to self destruction.

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Frankly speaking, I guess most of the people are so inclined with the idea of love read on books, seen on movies and T.V. series. A fake, over-the-top mockery of how real life is played.

One can say that this rant is a product of what hurt me in the past, but in reality, it’s not totally

* This is just me being absurd and rude…  An attempt actually,

Being single is nice( more often than not) I can do whatever I want, go where I want to go, make friends with anyone I want. I am free of obligations and any emotional baggages….

But at the end of the day, there is this piece of me missing… a piece only another person could fill…

As mentally-ill as I may sound, I want to be committed with someone, I want feel vulnerable whenever my friends and I talk about being single. I want to be teased to someone and be matched. I want to experience the chemical reaction where the body and the mind meets at a considerable length of syllables that urges the pleasure of verbal confession of self incrimination to a creation of one’s personal future

In short… I want to be loved.

Come to think of it….

Being in a relationship minus the drama, minus the elaborate words, minus the financial, social and physical aspects….when all that remains is the feeling of longing… it would really be so great to feel the embrace of that person whom you’ve waited for so long.

as for me:

Name: Superken

Status: Waiting

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