Day 1
While anxiously waiting for the result of my board exam, I had a mountain of thoughts about my future.
I was not that worried about the results because my friends are so supportive which lessens the anxiety plus I know in my heart that I did my best.
So during the gap between the exam and the results, I asked my dad if he could buy me some paint so that I could repaint my room. It turns out we had some paint in the stock room.
Paint, paint, paint… I used a brush, the biggest one I think, it’s like 4 inches in width.
My room isn’t big, but enough for my space. I painted it white so that it would look bright and spacious.
the blue paint is for the edges 
I was finished with the two walls when I got a call from our dean. She said that the national passing rate was 56% and that she’s anxious for us too. A few minutes after she hang-up, she texted me saying that the results are out. I can’t access the prc site so I typed my full name on the google box instead.
BOOM! There’s my name.
I took a deep breath and told my very anxious mom ( uso ang anxiety sa panahon ngayon) that I passed. Before she was able to congratulate me, I lost sight of her, yun pala she went out to our neighbors and told them my victory! Talk about being proud
I posted my name on facebook with my newly added tag “RPh” short for Registered Pharmacist
Then like a tidal wave, a lot of people liked my post, they congratulated me, posted on my timeline, my twitter, PM’ed me and a good friend of mine even congratulated me on tumblr.
I texted my friends and told them that the results are out. They called me on my sun number and we congratulated each other.
The feeling was sublime.
I cant sleep so I decided to finish painting my room.
Then I received Anon’s text which made my heart flutter… ay sh*t. Hindi ito tama.
We exchanged text messages…. And yes, guys feel that flutter too…
I keep on looking at my phone, it was 2:30 am, so baka tulog na siya.
I decided to stop painting and just continue the next day. I took a bath then I took my bed and set it on the floor of my parents’ room kasi mine smells like paint, nakaka adik!
I lied on my bed re-reading Anon’s texts.. how pathetic! ( okay, this happened before I decided to write the letter!)
Day 2
I woke up at around 9 am. There were messages on my phone, but none from anon. I opened my facebook and saw a bunch of notifs. I replied on their greetings, parang pasko, I told myself.
The day passed by fairly. I finished the whole room and decided to return all my things first thing in the morning.
Day 3
My mom asked me to accompany her to 168. Since I have so much time to spend, I agreed to come. We went to Ilaya where many fabrics are being sold. I remembered my list of things to accomplish and it’s written there that I need to learn how to sew. I asked my mom to help me choose some fabrics so that I could try making my own sheets.
We reached home by 4 pm. I was happy with what we bought because the fabrics are well designed like paintings.
I fixed my room and rearranged my bed. I was so tired so I slept early.
Day 4
I woke up at around 3:30 am. I’m still suffering from a review hangover, then I realized that the exam was over . I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I decided to go online. I thought about Anon.
I looked at anon’s profile. Surprise ,surprise! Tagged pictures.
I was hurt.
Extremely.
It’s that moment when it finally hit me, the moment I wrote the letter.
Day 5
I realized that I have to do something to move on. Hindi ko naman kasalanan mag- assume. Though I wasn’t technically and directly lead to assume my case, I wasn’t denied or forfeited to think that there’s no future for us either.
Good thing it was the day my friends and I decided to go back to the churches. We had a side trip to manila zoo.
I went home half tired.
My parents were home and I was starving so I asked them if they want to eat at yakimix, my treat.
We went to trinoma at around 6 pm, we were escorted to our table, I grabbed a plate, picked some fresh seafoods, dumped them on the pan-like stove and ate my frustrations out! ( potek ang bitter ko!)
I asked my parents to go for a walk before we head home ( para bumaba yung kinain) we went to landmark and looked for some clothes that I can wear for the oath taking. I saw some promising clothes but I didn’t buy them yet because I have to lose the weight I gained during the review.
We went home after.
Day 6:
Trying/ resisting on opening Anon’s page, I downloaded some books suggested by my plurk friends.
Every word about the character reminded me of anon, but I continued reading anyway. I finished the book, ate my peanut butter pandesal and went online.
Online s’ya. Para akong high school. I am head-over-heels. I can’t resist but I have to. I logged out as soon as the page was fully opened. There are so many thoughts in my mind. I tried to be rational.
“ ilagay mo nag yung sarili mo sa lugar niya, wala syang gusto sa iyo, meron na siyang iba! Wake up ken! Ang tanda mo na para sa ganitong mga bagay! Be mature enough tsong! Hindi pwede! Magmumukha ka lang tanga kaka asa!”
Is it because of my ugliness? Do I lack manners? Do I smell bad? Perhaps I’m not a boyfriend material, too weakling? too proud?
After further contemplations, I convinced myself that the problem is that I take myself for granted all the time and I give too much of myself even if people doesn’t even need me which makes me look desperate and needy at times… so much for generosity. It’s just that, i have a soft spot on people who shows me kindness without me asking for it and i don’t know how much i should give back to reciprocate the kindness…nagmumukha tuloy akong papansin.
I gazed outside my window; I saw the black steel covered with different stuffs. I went outside and uncovered it, turns out it’s our gym equipments. I half smiled and had an intervention.
I went to my room changed my shirt and grabbed my music player. I started running on the treadmill.
I let my mind get lost in the rhythm of my feet. I finished my work out. It felt good.
Then it hit me.
I need to take care of myself. Because one day someone would come along and sweep me of my feet. And I want to look decent, confident and sure enough about myself. I will not look desperate or needy, but I will not be apathetic too. I will be the guy I pledged I would be.
I took a shower, put my clothes, went online and looked at anon’s profile.
I smiled.
I felt nothing, perhaps because I saw the pictures already or perhaps because I’ve accepted it
Either way, I know it’s the start.
The start of moving forward.
