VALENTINE’S DAY?

Its gonna rain dark and bitter chocolates soon for sure!

So valentine’s day is just around the corner and i wish it would just stay there! but other than my lurking bitterness and angst for a no- date lovapalooza, i should be celebrating it!

well, for me, Feb 14 may not be as special as the day after , because feb 15 is my birthday.

i dont expect gifts floundering  my door nor greetings flooding my facebook, plurk and those social networks i’m engaged in. but I expect, more so, HOPE that someone would greet me on that particular day.

So another year for me….. i guess i should be thankful….

I haven’t accomplished anything remarkable this year…. but i think i managed to do some that are fair enough….

I might as well keep myself on the ground and ready for action.

FOR MY NEXT YEAR:

i would be a beter person

I would improve myself and be more idealistic.

I would pursue my career as a pharmacist

I would do great in my internships

I would consider my hardships as challenges

I would be more understanding…

and

i would try to be more helpful and sensitive…for other’s sake

BUT:

i cant do this alone for sure….

I need back ups…. especially from GOd

When people say DREAM BIG….. it doesnt have to be all fairytale-ish… it just have to be something big enough for you to see the world in its real yet happy form.

I was just reminded that what i would become someday is my choice…

and I choose to be happy.

for my birthday wish:

I WISH TO FIND THE RIGHT PERSON WHO WOULD FILL THE GAPS OF MY HAND…. UNTIL ALL MY INHIBITIONS ARE GONE…..

19 years of existences…. where do I go from here????….

ANOTHER YEAR

I can’t  imagine anything more strenuous than the things that happened this year.  we have experienced flood, death, financial crisis, basically a catastrophe. So I ask myself, is there anything to be thankful for?

Okay, that question may be too exaggerated, because on a par with these disasters, I guess it was a fruitful year. I am so glad to finish my first semester this third year because it’s really hard. I must say that I was never sick this year, perhaps a little cold but not something deadly. I also met new friends this year.

I thank God for the wonderful year I had.

In spite of some not so great events, I really am blessed this year.

Before I start another 365 days of non-stop action and drama, I guess I have to revise my old self, gear up and prepare for the new  adventures.

My new year wishlist:

I wish to be more diligent with my studies and be more patient when i have to read tons of monochromatic pages for my PCO and cology subjects.

I wish to reinvent myself and be more tactful because i had so many episodes of verbal diarrhea this year and I promise to constipate my tongue for the upcoming year.

i wish to be more mature in dealing with my friends and my not so friends.

I wish to be more resilient with people’s unsolicited criticisms.

I wish to be more successful with my endeavors especially with my OJT’s and with my majors.

I wish to meet new friends and to see my old friends whom i have shared so many good times with.

I wish to have a solid and strong health not just for me, but for my family and friends as well.

I wish to find absolution with all my wrongdoings and make it up to the people whom I have done wrong.

and lastly…

I wish to find the person that would unlock my world and destroy the barriers of my unwillingness to love.

Less than a week from now, I would start another fight… I shall age again!

I had so many memories of this year. 2009, some  I would never forget.

but I have to move on now…

2010…Another year to make things right.

WALKING DOWN ON MEMORY LANE…

 

 

 

I never really had an urge to look back at these pictures when i was young until that cataclysm that hit my grandmother’s house last September which literally destroyed most of her seventy- eight years of picture collections and memorabilia.

Its fun to see myself eighteen years ago, with these preserved memories that I hope would last for a long time, its funny how simple smiles and poses could bring you back to those precise moments when everything seems to flow smoothly and everyone seems so happy.

My grandfather died for quite sometime now, and my uncle on the picture left the family tie because of the things between him and his wife. But as I see these pictures, they were there, holding me, with their smiles flashing. THEY WERE THERE. How I wish they’re still here now.

I guess pictures are the only things that could preserve time and capture the greatest moments that one would hope to rekindle as rough or good times come.

After seeing these pictures, I realized that I had a great childhood. Mine was one of those stereotypical childhood moments where inhibitions are obsolete and everything is so naïve and beautiful.

I wish everyone could take some time to recall and take a glimpse of the splendor they had from the past, because as much as it is really necessary to look ahead, I guess, its nice to look back from time to time.

hmmm…standards…

How would I know if I love her?

 

I mean, I do have standards, as a matter of fact; it is quite high for an awful guy like me.

 

I want a girl with long straight hair, cute eyes like those Korean eyes, fair complexion, cute nose, pink lips, nice voice even if she cant sing, conservative, somewhat enigmatic, has sense of humor, down to earth, someone who can be easily pleased by small deeds, someone who always smells nice, adorable, honest, loyal, trustworthy, patient, kind, generous, diligent and can organize her time for me and for her other errands and stuffs.

 

I want PERFECTION. And I am so stupid for having these standards. No one can be this good. No one can be this perfect.

 

But you know what?

 

I realized that I really love her so much…

 

Because she may not have all these qualities, nor even meet half of it… but I can’t simply resist!

 

I just made an exception for her~

 

 

LESSON FROM THE STORM

I never wished for any of these to happen, Lots of lives were taken, lots of family were devastated and lots of dreams were shattered.

 

I thought I was one of those people whom God never noticed, someone that has no worth.

 

I hate that I have been blabbing things about how unlucky I am with the stuffs that are happening with my life. I hate that I almost abandoned my faith because it felt more of a curse than a blessing. I hate that I felt so taken for granted.

 

Yet here I am, sitting in front of my computer, drinking my hot coffee while those people are shivering from the wrath of the storm.

 

I feel so bad once again because its so shameful and totally not worth it that it has to be this way, a storm needs to pass and bring havoc to everyone before I feel my significance to God.

 

Now that I know my place, it made me feel a lot worse, because instead of being thankful back in those days, I blamed God for it. If I should have known, I supoose, I could have done better with my life than pity myself.

 

I wish I could turn back, correct those wrongdoings, be a better person and appreciate this life I have.

 

To God, I am very sorry, for ever doubting you and for even blaming you with all those plights.

 

To my Family, thank you for this life, for giving me a place in your world even though I always turn my back on you. I love you guys.

 

To my Friends, I’m sorry if I have wronged you, forgive me for being too insensitive with my words and with my deeds.

 

I wish that each of us learned a lesson from this difficulty, and I wish that each of us would be given an opportunity for a change of heart.

 

Life is a gift. And living it meaningfully is the only way we can show our gratitude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For you…( you know who you are)

I will love you, every second, every hour, everyday for the rest of my life.

 

I won’t ask you to love me back, but I’ll just ask your permission to allow me to love you.

 

I would give you all that I could, because my heart beats for you.

 

I will not be jealous with anyone because I trust you, if ever people say anything about you, I won’t believe them unless you said so yourself, and I would believe everything  you say because I love you.

 

You’ll be the priority of my life, other than God. You have me on everything; I promise you that. What are mine are yours and yours alone, because I am yours.

 

It would be my pleasure to wake up beside you and watch you and your sleepy eyes and feel your breath against my nose as we cuddle in the blanket while the heavy rain is pouring.

 

I will not oblige you to do anything for me, but I will do everything for you wholeheartedly.

 

Just allow me to love you.

 

Say it to me, so that I can bask to the glory of having you.

 

Because loving you is my dream.

 

But right now it’s so hard for me to do so… here… alone… waiting… and loving you silently.

APOLOGY~

The hatred and angst were all washed off when we knew the reason behind the unpleasant things that have been happening in our group for the last month.

 It was something big, shocking and very much unexpected. I felt guilty and awful. I guess if I have known, I would have been careful with the words I said and with the actions I made.

Now that I’m aware of this, i want to seek redemption, if by any chance I could make it up to that person, I would, because through it all, that person never really did any harm to me, perhaps some troubles, but not so much to make that person feel the wrath of the thousand plagues I often bring. I feel so ashamed. I never thought that through all of these, I failed to recognize the truth behind the foggy plight. It was something extremely out of the box, yet it succeeded to enter the whole dimensions of the situation.

I want to give myself a benefit of the doubt for not knowing the reason behind this. But every time I do so, I still feel that anguishing guilt that kills me.

 I am deeply sorry, I guess it’s all I could do, to be sorry for the disgrace and humiliation I have caused. It was really not my intention to wound people; it’s just that I am protecting a friend, and it has been my pledge to do so with all that I can.

For what its worth, I have learned a lesson here. Each of us is fragile, though we keep it to ourselves; we make our outer shell hard to mask our shortcomings and insecurities with tough actions, yet with all of these, all we really are is nothing but a piece of thin layer, easily destroyed by the gentlest of touch.

my bet

 

I don’t want to go to school today, so I guess I’ll just ask my classmates about my scores for the midterms.

 

The thing about me is that, I hate knowing my scores; I hate knowing the extent of my pharmaceutical capacity. Especially in this event, I had a bet.

 

It started last prelim, my classmate and I had a bet. Whoever gets the lower score would treat the winner. I have no problem with the treat part per se; it’s just that, I’m not sure if I can do better.

 

My classmate is good, well actually, great, painfully great. She may seem naïve but deep inside she is excruciatingly better than me, and I don’t know why I took her challenge. Maybe, I though I had a chance, but now, I guess I’ll be buying her the cake soon.

 

I always doubt my knowledge. I am never complacent with my ability to decide, although I think I’m independent, in a way that, not every child at my age is. I mean, I do my own stuffs for myself, I clean my own mess, I do my own chores, and practically, all I am receiving from my parents is the financial assistance, well, other than that of the family values.

 

But no matter how independent I think I am, I still have this hollow room inside me, perhaps it’s where my deepest regrets, worries and anxieties are hidden.

 

All I ever wanted is to have that security and assurance that what I am gambling is the right thing, because I’m always assailed with these insecurities that stop from being better every time I see an opportunity.

 

I acknowledge my fear of failing and losing and I know that it’s part of the game. But losing at this thing that I consider my paramount side is simply losing every fiber of my dignity. This is my best; this is all I can offer. And to fail to live up to it is something I dread to witness and experience.

 

I guess I have to expect the worst as always, so that it would be easier for me to accept the awful things that I have made.

 

But come to think of it, I suppose I always have that courage in me, the courage to face challenges. Yet as brave as I think I am to face all the storms, all the tsunamis and all these hurricanes, I guess, its not really the challenge that prevents me from being profoundly improved, but the aftermath that comes along with it.

UNTITLED

I am the center of my universe, I am the glorious protagonist of my own life story, I am the leader of my band, I am the beacon of hope for my charity and I am the superhero of my world . But this is just me, only for me.

 

In my life other people serves as the stars, or even the planets that revolve around me, they are the supporting characters, the extras. They are the listeners of my music; they are the followers of my cult. And while most of them, I am willing to protect, some can even manage to be the villain.

 

This serves everyone, we play the main character in our lives and no matter how bad we are to others, nor how weak we are for them, we would always be that person who makes miracles in this confined world of ours.

 

I know that I write own story, every choice, every turn, it’s really my call. That is why I choose to reflect on all the major decisions in my life. I never want to regret anything, although some of my preferences are dire and unimaginable and are truly unacceptable, these decisions are the ones that made me who I am today, and if ever I have the chance to redo anything  that I have done, I would always choose this path because I like what I  have become right now.

 

I know I will have a lot of struggles ahead of me. I know that there would be more characters that will play different parts in my story. I know that there would be a lot of trial that I have to face. I know I will meet my damsel someday and I know I will also have an end.

 

But before that, I will continue to do the things I want to do, I would pursue the things I want to be and I would cherish every moment of it, so that, as I write the epilogue of my existence, it would be more immense than that of the fairytales but still the same~ a happily ever after.

 

•NEVER JUDGE A CANDY BY ITS WRAPPER•

Before this semester started, I promised myself to be more lucid of things that are dire and put particular attention to the balance of the matters.  But I think it never had its start, since I met new people whom I never anticipated  meeting.

The thing I find most awkward is to stand in front of an anonymous crowd and introduce myself with personal information that is restricted to my close peers. I may appear to be arrogant and even conceited but the truth is that I value privacy a lot especially when it comes to my friends and family.

Everyone says first impressions last. This is because as a human trait and instinct, I think people are judgmental. I am judgmental.  I judge character based on what I perceive as proper and ethically right. I judge physiques by my biased types of figures and I judge people by how they act in their random ordinary gestures.

I would like to believe that I am a good judge of character. I had it in me since I can remember. I know when people feel afraid, pissed, and lonely and even when they are confused and vulnerable.

Yes I am a definition of prejudice. I want to be always right and believe me, I fight for it, and even if it consumes some of the little dignity I have left.

Although this self- confidence may be a bit extravagant for a guy who hasn’t proved anything to the world, I thing all of us, at some point in our lives are prone to some subjective opinions which may even be cruel to the point of offensive, but after further thinking we do end up being incontestably accurate.

All this ranting actually rooted from my experience a while ago, with a new acquaintance. I rather give “it” an “it” name just to provide anonymity.

“It” had been consuming my patience for the past months. I always knew “it” would be someone I can’t sing my song with because “it” as my first-impression-personal- judgment-thing goes, could not even jive with the tune, speaking euphorically.

“It” for all I know, had been testing my intellectual capacity since we met. Though no doubt “it” is outstanding when it comes to academic matters, I simply don’t care.

Its just that “it” basically (out loudly) ranked me as someone with no capacity to handle “its” scholarly level.

I can’t blame “it” for “it’s” remark because “it” is also entitled to “it’s” own views.

I admit that I am not in educational equilibrium with “it” simply because I know that I am not good enough. I don’t need to prove “it” anything because “it” doesn’t belong to the “people who matter” bulletin in my life.

On the contrary to what others expected me to feel that I should be mad, insecure, or even afraid of “it”, I feel challenged.

Challenged in a way that I want to do better, but not to prove a point, but just to see how “intellectually capable” I really am. I don’t see it as a silent war against my colleague because as opposite as our mind goes, we are still a team, representing the same profession we would someday be embracing.

Yes, I judged “it” and “it” judged me. Just like the  barney’s freaking’ song

Through it all, I think, I need to thank “it” for making me recognize the hidden lessons behind this unsolicited comment.

I realized that it is really not the privacy for my personal traits that I feel awkward for, but it’s the judgment that comes with it. Though I have nothing to hide, I think it’s the opinions on my revelations that I am most unease to hear simply because no one wants to be scrutinized.

Being more open- minded with other’s remarks, may it be good or bad, should always be accepted with a smile. Because these are the things we don’t see through ourselves due to our selective perception.

I may be rained with a lot of uncalled for reproaches and extremely disapproving remarks, but all I can do is to lay back, as they feel the intimidation that I subconsciously contribute to their insecure minds.

At the end of the day, the most important thing that makes me sleep at night is that at my most lucid-attention-to-the-matter-first-impression-personal-judgment- scrutiny, I am truthful to my self that I am not capable of doing marvelous things, but simple things that makes other people’s lives better.